A Heart Surrendered To Christ

Week 2 of bible study began, and I ignored it. Even though I had received my daily e-mail, I found that I was "too busy" to find time. I finally read the chapter assignment this morning and I realize now that God was trying to break the "wall" I had told you about in my previous posts. As I began to read it was like I was thrown back into my college days and I was having my own memory of Renee's story.

The post option I have chosen is follows:

Renee shares her story of the moment she finally surrendered her heart to Christ. Share your story and what made you finally accept His invitation to a personal relationship.

I have know from a young age who Christ was and asked to be saved at the age of 6. I have no doubt I let Him into my heart that day but as I grew older I tried to stuff more and more things into my heart to fill it. Eventually God became a Knowledge and not a heart filler. I became full of self doubt and loneliness even at a very young age. I used to pray to God why had He made me and if He would just take me on home I wouldn't have to have a long life of suffering. It isn't easy to talk about but I have had thoughts of suicide more than once. What kept me going was knowing that my mother couldn't survive losing a child. Needless to say I used her as my guide and comfort instead of God. Because of my doubt in God and in myself I went through doubts if I was really saved or not. I have been baptized more than once and even gave a confession in front of my church in college that I was finally saved! I had been longing for what they call a "religious high" and every time I confessed that I needed God I got that high. My failures in life made me feel that God really wasn't there. That maybe if I kept saying He was then maybe He would magically turn my life around and I wouldn't feel depressed and lonely. I was excepted into college, even though I couldn't afford it, and I was happy that my college was only an hour away from home so I could always be close to my mother. I never wanted to go to college right after high school cause I was already feeling overwhelmed with school and all the activities I kept myself busy with. I tried the military route only to find my mother in tears when the recruiters came to my house. I tried to backpack my way across america only to find my mother was again in tears. I knew my mother had had a hard life and so I made it my mission to make it easier for her. Needless to say there were a lot of topics I never discussed with my mother because I feared how she would react. College was a roller coaster of ups and downs. I kept myself busy with Athletic Training, being an RA, church activities, and working a job or two. Needless to say I burned out quickly and never achieved a degree. My last semester in college I was diagnosed with depression. my mother said it was just all in my head and I needed to get my priorities straight. I started to move around a lot and eventually had a nervous breakdown that led me moving across the country to a desert with an Aunt I hadn't really ever known. Drinking and a promiscuous lifestyle became my comfort. Even though I tried over and over again, I still couldn't lead the lifestyle I had seen a few loving and truly supporting Christian friends have with Christ. After my adventure in the desert I moved around some more and met a man who would give me a wonderful, loving bundle of joy. I, however, became severely depressed during my pregnancy because I didn't want this child and I wondered what kind of mother would I be. I wanted to just give him to his father and I could just go on with my life. (And yes, this is very hard to admit) I did start to realize in my third trimester that I could never leave my child and began to figure out my parenting style. When he was born all felt right in the world again. I thanked God for such a blessing. But the week I had him, trouble showed itself again when I realized my mother's sickness had finally caught up with her. A short 8 months later and I was burying my best friend, my guidance, my comfort. I felt like an orphan and I began to wonder how was I to ever raise a child without a mother to guide me. The next year proved that I could hit rock bottom. I ended my relationship, moved from place to place, and even thought about leaving my child to travel full time again. But then a funny thing happened. Doors began to close. I found myself in the most unlikely of places with no friends, no family, and no job. There was only one place I knew to turn too. So I hit my knees and began to pray with tears. My father called me in the middle of my praying and because I longed so hard to hear a familiar voice I answered. I cried to my dad about my problems, which was the first time I had ever let him know me that way. He told me the story of the potter and the clay. It clicked in my head with such clarity that a peace filled me and I stopped crying. I knew then that I had to learn to rely on God. Christ began opening up doors and I found a strength I never knew I had been given. I still fail everyday and I was worried I would fail at seeking Christ. But I knew that if I sought after Him, He would show me the way. He led me to this bible study. And its amazing how much I have learned about how to have a relationship with Christ. My favorite quote by Renee Swope in this chapter is "Salvation is a one-time decision, but finding satisfaction in Christ and living in the security of His promises is a daily process". I wished that when you get saved, fellow Christians would tell you this! Thank God someone finally did!